Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Need Advice!!

I need to pose a question to you and please don't answer in my favor just because I am your friend. I truly don't know if I am being unreasonable here.

As you know, my son is getting married in August. Last night I was presented with the rehearsal dinner plans made by my son and his fiancee and am less than thrilled about the outcome.

I've been divorced from my first husband for 10 years and our separation and divorce was my idea, not his. My ex has had a very difficult time accepting our divorce, suffers from depression and alcoholism, and we've had a very rocky road over the years. When he was told of my marriage to George he was very negative and did his best to sway my kids against him. Dave is very insecure and I believe he still had thoughts that we would someday reconcile. Anyway...the kids usually tiptoe around things so they don't upset him or avoid him altogether.

So...the plans for the rehearsal dinner include the rehearsal and a small gathering afterwards in a small function hall. I was told that only the bridal party and parents of the bride and groom are invited to attend. This excludes spouses and significant others of the members of the bridal party. Initially I was told that it is a space issue that no other people can be included. However, I am convinced that all may be because my ex will be uncomfortable in George's presence and Eric and Jessie are trying to be sensitive to Dave's feelings. I can understand that to a point...however...I am footing the bill for half of this dinner and I think my new husband, should be included. I don't mind telling you that my feelings are extremely hurt that George is not included, and I think my ex needs to suck it up and be an adult about this. Then again, it has been pointed out to me that no one's spouses are invited and there are several other people who aren't happy about this arrangement so I am not alone. When I asked Eric why can't we have the dinner elsewhere, if it is a space issue, he said that the reservation has been made and this is the way it is. Plus...if we invite more people, this will result in a larger bill and that is something my ex (who supposedly will pay the other half) cannot afford.

I am doubtful that Dave will even go to the rehearsal dinner for a couple of reasons. 1...he doesn't drive or have a car and it is at least a 30 minute drive to the rehearsal hall. 2...he doesn't have any money. 3...he's been known to bail out at the last minute. I being unreasonable to want my husband with me at this event? It is supposed to be a very happy time in all of our lives and am I ruining the excitement and happiness by having hurt feelings? Are my feelings less important than my ex husbands because I am stronger and can deal with the outcome better than he can? Basicly, my son told me that this is his and Jessie's day and they just want everything to go perfectly, which I can completely understand, and he told me that if it meant having his Dad there or George there, he would rather have his Dad. Ouch...that kind of hurt since his father has not exactly been the ideal father, but I can understand the importance. I also know that he is a little nervous of Dave drinking too much and making a fool out of himself but is that my fault??

I don't want to be known as the mother / mother in law from hell. I did have a long talk with Eric last night and told him exactly how I feel. He listened and said nothing is completely set in stone, meaning he does know there is a possibility that his father will not go anyway, but the plans are as they are and that seems to be that for now. He also pointed out that when there is a divorce involved...these kinds of things happen. True. Let me just say that last year when George's son got married, I was included in a lot of things but several things occurred on the day of the wedding which really hurt George's feelings and my kids were both there and saw how insensitivly certain things were handled. I asked Eric that very day to be mindful of those issues when his time came so we can avoid those hurt feelings.
He assured me that on the day of the wedding...those things will not happen. But this is 'only the rehearsal dinner.' Apparently to him, it is not that important. I guess I shouldn't be so upset?? I don't know.

What do you all think???
Thoughts on this no matter what you feel or think are welcome. Any ideas also, to make this an easier transition are greatly welcomed.


Intense Guy said...

Well, Lainie...

You asked for advice - as worthless as mine might me... While I realize I don't know any of the pains of divorce (never being married has some small advantages) the bigger picture is this wedding is supposed to be a CELEBRATION.

To me the key lies in "my son told me that this is his and Jessie's day" and it is... For the space of a few hours, and putting aside the "who is paying for it" card, which causes people to get bent out of shape - because they forget it is "their gift to the couple". A gift should be given without strings, you need to "suck it up" and play nice - and keep saying this is their day - and this is for them. Make no waves -

A wedding shouldn't be so damn stressful on a family - in fact - it shouldn't be stressful at all.

Thats my two cents - feel free to trash it if ya want... but I hope you just let things go (as far as you can) and simply enjoy the happiness of the groom and the beauty of the bride.

Toriz said...

On the one hand, I think you have a right to be upset. With George being your husband, he is part of the family, and should be included. However, on the other hand... It's not like George is the only one not being included, since you said that includes all partners of the people who are included. Perhaps it is just something to make certain people happy. But it might also be that the "kids" just want their actual parents involved, and that it is all their decission. Personally, I would include my parents' partners if they were divorced and I was getting married, but not everyone is like that. My advice to you is to just sit tight. By all means let them know you are hurt that they didn't include George. But try to pin a smile on your face and let them enjoy their wedding. Beccause if you do more than that then I think you will be made to seem like the bad guy, and next thing you know there will be some kind of family argument happening or something. And I'm sure you don't want that. Of course, you don't have o take my advice, but that's what I think anyway.

Lainie said...

I appreciate your thoughts, Iggy and Tori, and any others that may jot them down later on. Nothing said is 'worthless', believe me. That's why I was asking, because I needed to hear someone else's perspective. We seem to agree on many points and I normally don't interfere with either one of my kids and their lives and I don't plan to start now.
I feel bad for my husband, however, who doesn't deserve to be left out of these important things. He would never do that to anyone.
As for me...I have put on my big girl panties and I am keeping my mouth shut. Hopefully I will be able to enjoy the evening.

Karla said...

I dunno Lainie my dear..I'd be so hurt by that also. So they don't have room for "significant others" I can understand but George and you are married..not just dating or living together. I think George should be included and your ex should just "suck it up" as you said...yes it is their day but I'm sure George is invited to the wedding so what's the difference. If Dave is at the wedding he will have to suck it up!! *shrugs* Just my thoughts!!

Lainie said...

Thanks Karla...appreciate your thoughts, always. Apparently several other spouses aren't happy with the situation either. Eric and Jessie are feeling the pressure and I won't put any more weight on their shoulders.
It just breaks my heart.

merriweather said...

When my children get married, and it won't be long because they are in their twenties, I will do whatever they ask with a smile. A wedding is a once in a lifetime event (hopefully) and all the key players should do everything humanely possible to ensure at the end of the [wedding] day there are naught but HAPPY memories. Tomorrow let the wars continue.

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