I need to pose a question to you and please don't answer in my favor just because I am your friend. I truly don't know if I am being unreasonable here.
As you know, my son is getting married in August. Last night I was presented with the rehearsal dinner plans made by my son and his fiancee and am less than thrilled about the outcome.
I've been divorced from my first husband for 10 years and our separation and divorce was my idea, not his. My ex has had a very difficult time accepting our divorce, suffers from depression and alcoholism, and we've had a very rocky road over the years. When he was told of my marriage to George he was very negative and did his best to sway my kids against him. Dave is very insecure and I believe he still had thoughts that we would someday reconcile. Anyway...the kids usually tiptoe around things so they don't upset him or avoid him altogether.
So...the plans for the rehearsal dinner include the rehearsal and a small gathering afterwards in a small function hall. I was told that only the bridal party and parents of the bride and groom are invited to attend. This excludes spouses and significant others of the members of the bridal party. Initially I was told that it is a space issue that no other people can be included. However, I am convinced that all may be because my ex will be uncomfortable in George's presence and Eric and Jessie are trying to be sensitive to Dave's feelings. I can understand that to a point...however...I am footing the bill for half of this dinner and I think my new husband, should be included. I don't mind telling you that my feelings are extremely hurt that George is not included, and I think my ex needs to suck it up and be an adult about this. Then again, it has been pointed out to me that no one's spouses are invited and there are several other people who aren't happy about this arrangement so I am not alone. When I asked Eric why can't we have the dinner elsewhere, if it is a space issue, he said that the reservation has been made and this is the way it is. Plus...if we invite more people, this will result in a larger bill and that is something my ex (who supposedly will pay the other half) cannot afford.
I am doubtful that Dave will even go to the rehearsal dinner for a couple of reasons. 1...he doesn't drive or have a car and it is at least a 30 minute drive to the rehearsal hall. 2...he doesn't have any money. 3...he's been known to bail out at the last minute.
So....am I being unreasonable to want my husband with me at this event? It is supposed to be a very happy time in all of our lives and am I ruining the excitement and happiness by having hurt feelings? Are my feelings less important than my ex husbands because I am stronger and can deal with the outcome better than he can? Basicly, my son told me that this is his and Jessie's day and they just want everything to go perfectly, which I can completely understand, and he told me that if it meant having his Dad there or George there, he would rather have his Dad. Ouch...that kind of hurt since his father has not exactly been the ideal father, but I can understand the importance. I also know that he is a little nervous of Dave drinking too much and making a fool out of himself but is that my fault??
I don't want to be known as the mother / mother in law from hell. I did have a long talk with Eric last night and told him exactly how I feel. He listened and said nothing is completely set in stone, meaning he does know there is a possibility that his father will not go anyway, but the plans are as they are and that seems to be that for now. He also pointed out that when there is a divorce involved...these kinds of things happen. True. Let me just say that last year when George's son got married, I was included in a lot of things but several things occurred on the day of the wedding which really hurt George's feelings and my kids were both there and saw how insensitivly certain things were handled. I asked Eric that very day to be mindful of those issues when his time came so we can avoid those hurt feelings.
He assured me that on the day of the wedding...those things will not happen. But this is 'only the rehearsal dinner.' Apparently to him, it is not that important. OK...so I guess I shouldn't be so upset?? I don't know.
What do you all think???
Thoughts on this no matter what you feel or think are welcome. Any ideas also, to make this an easier transition are greatly welcomed.