Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Eating Tips for the Christmas Season

Eating Tips for the Christmas Season

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an "eggnog-aholic" or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it!!!! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand-alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello???

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa , position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and sweet potato - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like apple, have two sweet potatoes and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO what a ride!"
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!! Merry Christmas!! Happy Chanukah!! and lastly Bah Humbug!!


AliceKay said...

Love it!!! LOL

ChicagoLady said...

LMAO, I loved it when I got in my email. I can't remember if I sent it out to anyone or not, probably not, lol.

The lit tree is very pretty too!

LadyStyx said...

Awesome. And such a pretty pic too!

Kerry said...

Very pretty picture!.... is that tree in your backyard?

Hilarious I loved them all, it's pretty much how I think :) and I agree Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's!!!!!

Intense Guy said...

I like fruitcake and someone keeps reminding me, "you are what you eat," but I just don't understand them.

~*~Steph~*~ said...

LOL this is great!!!

Merry Christmas to you!!

Lainie said...

I wish that tree was in my backyard but I actually 'borrowed' that pic from someone at work. It sure is pretty, isn't it?
(If that tree was in my backyard it would be buried under 3 feet of snow.)